The carousel of emotions
I find it extremely hard in this circumstances to talk about this situation. I am far away from home. My mother and my sister live very far away and cannot come over.
My sister yesterday said I should stop to tell my mother about the details of the sickness. She cannot sleep anymore and panics.
I really don’t know whom to share these things now. Being alone with it is just unbearable.
The few friends I told about the sickness till now, in general were shocked. Some of them don’t react anymore. Even if I tried to tell it in a non-dramatic way, pretending to be strong and positive. I think they just don’t know what to say.
It’s a horrible feeling that I hurt others by speaking about my situation. Feel very alone.
What is helping me:
My partner came over and helped during some days. This gave me rest and power. Now that he is away, I think if I didn’t have this blog I would freak out. Writing about all this is helping me. Thank you, makers, of kanker.nl!
I decided to dedicate every day some time for jogging and for working. Even if it’s just a little time, I need that.
I don’t really know how I really feel. Sometimes just sad, sometimes I don’t feel anything. Sometimes I feel it’s not real. Most of the time I become very active. Cooking. Groceries. Happy about to do lists. Sometimes I am angry and hate this shit and the monster in my Daddy’s brain. Sometimes I am angry on myself. Sometimes I am jealous about other healthy happy people. Stupid of me, I know.
But there are light moments too where I can laugh with my father.
At the end let’s call it a unpredictable carousel of emotions.
What in this situations is clear is how important your loved ones are. I see very clearly what really matters and what is superfluous. This situation kind of reminds me of my dreams. My daddy said I was the best investment of his life. I promised I will go for them.