I thought to go home for 2 weeks now, starting from tomorrow… but it’s tremendously difficult.

Now I am in Holland since nearly 6 weeks. I would love to go home and hug my sister and mother. I would like to work. Go out for a drink in the evening with my friends and have a little bit of normality. I am so far away from everything. I am so tired, the last nights were so short.

I am feeling like a puppet of my daddy’s tumor. 

Till now I could not leave because I can’t celebrate Christmas back home, knowing for my daddy that’s gonna be the last time. After that we had so many doctors to visit, I had to organize so many things and I thought, it’s better I stay with him as he still is so good and fine. 

Papi’s health situation worsened. Now it’s nearly impossible to bring him from the bed to the living room. Two people and a wheel chair are needed for doing that. He now has a catheter and that works perfectly. And we have a hospital bed, that's great too. Yes, now we have the thuiszorg and I trust them, but so much is depending on me. His wife is old. (She is the best lady ever!)  She cannot do the groceries and many other things alone anymore. Leaving her alone in these dark hours is just unfair. Imagining my daddy can’t leave the bed because I am not there is just horrible.

Papi is afraid I leave tomorrow. But he says I should leave for my work. That’s TOP PRIORITY, he says. Work was always top priority in his life, too…but I don’t really think that work in these circumstances should be a priority.

I mean it’s my daddy!

At one hand I would love it so much to do my wonderful work next week. It’s a job I can’t just give a colleague --- I would love to come home and see my mother and my partner, my little nephews.

But at the other hand, seeing me at Schiphol airport waiting for the flight feels just bad and wrong.

If I leave now, I fear he doesn’t recognize me, when I am back. I fear he passes away.

If I don’t leave now, I wonder how long I should stay here. 

I have to find a way to leave the house, experience something else… cinema, dance, museum…? Think I have to look for my mental and physical health too…

This decision costs me a lot of energy, I can tell you…

Kanker is a priority instructor.

Decision: I STAY!

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