Poker Power and Perspective

Dear all,

my daddy died two months ago. I promised you I will write again, when I have the feeling it's fine for me - and fine for you.

There are just some few things I could suggest anybody who assists his or her loved ones towards the last days on being together on this planet.

Towards the palliative phase, please ask your doctor to inform you properly about how the last 2 weeks can be articulated. There is never just one way. You will have options. Take your time and be prepared about what is to come. Before you are not sure about what is going on or what is going to happen: don't agree on anything!

Talk with the rest of the family about what to do and search for help. Ask friends. Find people to talk to. Accept the presence of others. Don't try to go through it all alone. Ask yourself the question: is the decision my loved one takes fine for me too? Can I go so far?

My daddy had a clear wish of euthanasia, but this didn't really happen. It was a complicated situation- doctors changed etc...

What we went through was the palliative sedation.

Very briefly: in the palliative sedation the patient gets morfines and in injection. He is connected to a computer which regularly keeps going the medication. The patient slowly passes away but isn't aware of anything – this process can vary from some hours up to several days. It's considered a natural death.

I tell you now, what I didn't know before.

I think I was not well informed, and I do think my daddy neither was- he was just so tired of all of it: he wished an injection and go away. My daddy and his wife decided for the Palliative sedation at home. A Hospice was an option, but my daddy from the really beginning wanted to stay at home. I do think he was relieved after the injection, but he wasn't aware of what shall expect the rest of us...

I was fine with their decision, but I didn't know what this really should mean to me. As you know, I don't live in Holland, so I stayed at my fathers place too...That means that his bed was a few meters away from mine - I assisted everything.

I wasn't prepared for it at all. I couldn't imagine that after that injection this process would continue endless days and nights...leading to conflicts with my daddies wife. She expected me to stay the whole day at home... I thought I will freak out. Assist my daddy in that period where he was not here anymore, but still breathing hard--- this was for me too much. This was against MY will. This was far beyond my limits. It led me to cry and shout on a grass field, having a nervous breakdown.

So please, if you ever come to a similar situation: ask the doctors all possible questions. They shall describe you precisely what expects you in upcoming time and which options you have! Ask them for and accept psychological aid! Be aware about what could come. And be honest to yourself: can you and do you want to go through, or not?

Nearyl two months have gone by.

It's still so painful to think back, and I find it weird that my daddy is not there anymore. That he died because of cancer is not even so important for me. It's no t so important which kind of sickness he had. It is important which kind of life he had and the love he gave.I am filled with power and love in thinking about. So proud I am his daughter. ( I love that here the verb doesn't turn past tense. I still am! his daughter.)

The pain was so huge, but the thankfulness is bigger.

There are so many things I learned from this period- I am seeing things so clearly now.

Writing you was a big help in facing that time. I am so thankful for! Thanks for this blog. I loved being here. Thanks for your comments. Thanks that I could write you in my darkest hours.

I admire all of you humans, fighters and people who share their paths! This makes us strong.

I don't know how it is about you, but I have the weird impression Corona could be somehow a similar experience on a global scale: it reminds us that our planet is vulnerable, that our bodies are just a rental, live is a poker game,


there is a power, a strong, deep rooted power, inside us and connecting all of us - which is somehow endless. Call it God, call it Love. I don't know what it is, but I experienced it and this is the one thing left to say.

Keep safe, keep strong, keep positive and enjoy all moments you have. The most simple tiny things hide a miracle.

All my best wishes to ALL of you!



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