Mijn Papi is er niet meer

On Tuesday 4 february at 6PM my daddy died.

A few hours earlier I was standing somewhere on a grass field and was crying and shouting. I just was getting crazy from pain. I just couldn’t stand the situation at home anymore. 

I was shaking.I couldn’t sleep during the night. Hearing my daddy breathing hard day and night in his bedroom few meters away  ...   I felt myself dying. I felt myself trapped in a grave.  I was crying. This was too much for me. I went to the grass field. I shouted to the sky. How should I continue now? Why did this happen to me? Felt myself as in boiling water.

I called my sister. A moment of rescue. 

I came back at my daddy’s home. I hugged his wife. We understood that both of us went far beyond our limits. We will be strong together. I decided not to stay in this house of horror anymore. I had a key in my hands for the pension I was supposed to sleep at overnight. 

I heard something from my daddy’s room. Was he coughing? I wanted to go to his room. In that moment a nurse rang the bell. I opened the door. We both went to my Papi’s bedroom and there he was and didn’t breathe anymore.

“He died.” she said.

I cried. “Thank you Daddy.” Was the only thing I could say.

It was as if he was waiting till I came home again, saying HELLO when I enter the door, hugging his wife. He heard that our souls was crying for help (don’t find any other word for soul). Now he was ready to leave.

And he left.

This is no blog about cancer anymore. This blog turned into a blog of me losing my daddy. I know, there are many cases where you fight cancer and WIN!!!  But unfortunately, in our case we lost.

The last week was the purest horror. I stopped writing you, because I thought this is really to brutal to tell you.

I have to think about how much I will share. But I think, when I am ready, I will tell you at least a part of how the last days were. Maybe (I hope it will not be the case!!!) one day somebody will come to the same situation and I just hope you can learn from our mistakes and experiences. I wasn’t told, I wasn’t aware. Would have appreciated it a lot if I knew more about what was going to expect me.

I can’t believe it. Dear all. This is just incredible to me.

A Tsnuami overcame us and brushed everything away.

2 reacties

my condolences for the loss .....what a strong person u are RESPECT!! to share this with us  u did the only right thing in this situation and that was be there for ure father en his wife i wish u alot of strenght and take care of ureself  

greetings skippybal

Laatst bewerkt: 07/02/2020 - 16:47

Thanks Skippybal. Now, so late, my reaction. I am just strong in the moment I write. than it took me a long time and now I am here again to say thank you and wish you all the best.

Laatst bewerkt: 30/03/2020 - 16:44