For the new Year I wish dignity.

It already costs a lot to realize to loose a loved person so soon. The first three days I felt like in an absurd cloud far away from the rest of the world. All this Christmas preparations were unrealistic and hilarious to me. I was so hopelessly sad. I tried to keep strong with him and be positive with him. We said we would make the best of the time to come. And cried in the moment I left the house or was alone.

First of all I tried in being able to sleep and eat again. That was already hard enough.

The second step was maybe the hardest: inform my sister and my mother about the sickness. They live far away. This was and still is for me the most painful thing: sharing this nightmare with my loved ones. I have problems to talk about it. Writing is better, but still...  How to tell my friends? How to tell my colleagues at work? How to deal the next time, my work?

I just know, that cancer is no t just a sickness of one person- it will affect the people around too. We as a family, friends, colleagues or loved ones will be part of it and have to get through it together. 

After a while I realized that this glioblastoma doesn’t just bring the fact that my father will die soon- we are talking of weeks or months. But it brings the question: HOW will this time be? HOW will the quality of his life look like? Will there be any? Nobody can tell you how the tumor evolves and which part of the brain is effected next. 

This really makes me concerned. Every tumor will have its own development.

I started to surf on the net to find experiences from others. Maybe that can help. And  therefore I will write this blog to make you part of my experience. Hope it helps you.

After the Christmas Holidays we went to the University Clinic in Groningen. The doctor was impressed of how relatively „fit“ Papi was. She informed my father about a radiotherapy. My father was scepitcal- he would not have the energy for that anymore.

We drove home after that. I think this was the last time we left the house.

Two days later she called and Papi decided not do any radiotherapy.

The doctor said he will get more tired and more heavy day by day. He will sleep more during the day. Sooner or later stay more in bed. And one day fall asleep and not awake anymore.

We should prepare for strong headache, anxiety. Some patients tend to become aggressive or very emotional. As long as it can- we will stay at home.

Dignity. I fear this is the  thing this tumor day by day is stealing from my father. Every day he is a little more tired. A little more heavy. Moves a little less. Speaks a little more unclearly. First eating with knife and fork got complicated. Then eating with the fork got complicated. Now It s a mass eating with a spoon.

For the new Year 2020 I wish dignity.