AMSTERDAM SCHIPHOL

I am sitting on the airport. I feel myself as part in a movie. Lost the feeling of what is real and what isn’t.

I am in Holland since 52days. I arrived not expecting anything serious. 10 days later we had the diagnosis GLIOBLASTOME. We were running against the time.

And now? And today I am sitting on Amsterdam Airport. My daddy dead sick in bed at his home. Not having time to say properly Goodbye to my mom or to his country of origins. He is lying in bed since nearly 2 weeks. He can’t turn anymore. The morphine arrived yesterday. He can but drink water and porridge. Already eating a pill gets complicated.

I arrived at my limits, went through, got back. On a rollercoaster of emotions. Came to a field were nothing is right or wrong anymore. Where nobody can help you anymore or give the right suggestion. 

And now I am sitting on Amsterdam Schiphol with my boarding pass ready to board. And I feel doing the right thing. I need to go home for few days.

Monday: the doctor came over. The situation looked fine and stabile. She said she expects this situation to be a rather positive period and I should go home for some days. Now it’s better than later. She said I have to care about myself too. I will need energy. My father and my father’s wife understood. They were fine with the idea I should leave for some more days. The doctor left. Papi and me had a wonderful chat like in old times. As nothing ever happened. I was so happy! I had a good feeling and booked a flight.

The night came. Papi nearly didn’t sleep. First time talking about headache. Feeling uncomfortable in bed. Feeling trapped. Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold. Needing a wet towel. Needing water… a sleepless night.

The next day he was exhausted. He said he doesn’t want to continue like this. He said now he arrived at his limits. If he could take two pills and leave, he would do that immediately.

There were already similar moments of huge desperation. But this time it was a little different. He told all the nurses and was very clear about. 

In that moment I had the feeling that he doesn’t want to live anymore because I am going away for some days. And me having the flight ticket in my hands... I felt like doing everything wrong. 

I already cancelled a flight before and felt so bad and exhausted after this. I felt such a huge weight on my shoulders. I had the feeling that I did everything possible and that now I am on my limits. I HAVE TO GO to hug my mother, see my home and my family and come to Groningen back as soon as possible.

Papi understands it. The doctor will come again and they will talk. I am curious if my daddy tells her his thoughts as he told me. I don’t know what is going to happen. But I know that I cannot take the whole burden and responsibility on my shoulders. 

Now I have to trust. Trust my daddy articulates his wishes and trust the doctor knows what to do. Trust myself that I am doing the right thing. Trust KLM to bring me there and in a few days I will be back.

2 reacties

Dear Franziska,

Yes, you are doing the right thing.

I would like to tell you something. When my father was dying, it took quite a long time. We were around him all day and night. A nurse from Surinam told me: "people need rest and silence to dy. In our country, we say: father wants to go to mother, but he cannot pass, because the children are standing in his way."

After more than a week, he died peacefully in the night when nobody was in his room.

So even if your dad dies when you are away, please, don't feel guilty.

Hanneke

Laatst bewerkt: 01/02/2020 - 09:33

Dear Hanneke,

thank you so much for your message! I am sorry, I just reply so lately. I was away- in my heart and in my head.  Your message reached me when I understood in my case it was exactly the same. Thank you for sharing it with me. Guilt is a big topic, but I don't feel guilty. I gave my best. I will memorize the beautiful  words from Surinam ;) Thank you!

All the best,

 

Franziska

 

 

Laatst bewerkt: 30/03/2020 - 17:12